No more yelling

 I am pretty hard on myself, but if there is one thing that I despise the most is my propensity to yell. It's as if something inside me needs to come out and the louder I am the more it seems to feel better. Reality is though: it does not actually feel better. I regret it almost every single time. So why do I yell? What is inside that deceptively tells me needs to come out in a loud yell and anger instead of coming out in a calm and instructive manner? And why do I have such a hard time overcoming the yelling? 

A gentle answer turns away wrath. This is truth. A harsh word stirs up anger. Truth. And yet, I choose the harsh word so much of the time. Well, maybe that is not exactly true, but let's just say that I remember my harsh words way more than the times I choose gentle answers. 

I hate it when people are harsh with me. I hate it when people refuse to investigate my position instead of so staunchly defending their position. I hate it when people so insist their way is right and no one else could possibly be right. And yet, how often do I stand there doing those exact things, just concerning things I think are right. Right is right, but right is wrong if I cannot have the humility and love in the midst of the right. I think I am wrong a whole lot more than I am right, even if I am right. 

Am I good tree? Am I a bad tree? A good tree produces good fruit. A bad tree produces bad fruit. What fruit am I producing? I only have patience, until I don't. I am only kind, until I am not. I have self-control and then I don't. This is the painful tension of the evil inclination and the good inclination. This is what Hashem said to Cain, "Sin crouches at your door, but you can overcome it." I can overcome my bad inclination, but, too often, it is my natural inclination to respond poorly. I find that I kind of like it. Not ultimately, but something in me likes it. I have not resisted my sin to the point of shedding blood. The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. And I think I am ok with that defense of my inability to resist the temptation to yell and use harsh words instead of gentle words. 

I know what is right. But I do not do what is right. This is sin. Wretched sinner that I am. What can save me except the mercy of God and His favor that He bestowed on Yeshua HaMoshiach! For I am a woman of unclean lips. 

Would Yeshua even call me His own? I have utmost faith in His identity as the Messiah and as the son of God. I know He is King and He will be King. I believe fully that He has God's favor because of His righteousness and His suffering. I believe His suffering and death is the mechanism for God's forgiveness to the world. But does my belief in Him do any good for me if I keep on sinning? If I keep choosing a lack of self-control with my words? If I keep resorting to yelling and harsh words over His way of a gentle answer turns away wrath? Is my faith producing in me the fruit of repentance? A humility that always reminds me of my position as His servant and that my life is not my own for I have been bought with a price and therefore I am to bring glory to God through my actions and my words. 

I like being in charge. I like being in control. I don't want to give up the power of my tongue. Well, maybe I do. Maybe I just don't know how to? Maybe I don't know the other way of doing things? How can I be gentle and get results from my kids? 

At the very least, I should strive daily to keep my tongue from evil and guard my lips from no self-control speech. I should remind myself every morning that my gentle speech and the words out of my mouth are producing life, if I so choose to speak that way. Choose life. Or death. The power of both lies in the tongue. 

How I need a transforming work of the Spirit and of my inner being through retraining my bad habit of yelling. Yes, indeed, may this be the end of my yelling. No more yelling. Choose life. Choose gentle. Choose good. It is my choice. I must choose today and tomorrow and the next day--I must choose life.