No more yelling

 I am pretty hard on myself, but if there is one thing that I despise the most is my propensity to yell. It's as if something inside me needs to come out and the louder I am the more it seems to feel better. Reality is though: it does not actually feel better. I regret it almost every single time. So why do I yell? What is inside that deceptively tells me needs to come out in a loud yell and anger instead of coming out in a calm and instructive manner? And why do I have such a hard time overcoming the yelling? 

A gentle answer turns away wrath. This is truth. A harsh word stirs up anger. Truth. And yet, I choose the harsh word so much of the time. Well, maybe that is not exactly true, but let's just say that I remember my harsh words way more than the times I choose gentle answers. 

I hate it when people are harsh with me. I hate it when people refuse to investigate my position instead of so staunchly defending their position. I hate it when people so insist their way is right and no one else could possibly be right. And yet, how often do I stand there doing those exact things, just concerning things I think are right. Right is right, but right is wrong if I cannot have the humility and love in the midst of the right. I think I am wrong a whole lot more than I am right, even if I am right. 

Am I good tree? Am I a bad tree? A good tree produces good fruit. A bad tree produces bad fruit. What fruit am I producing? I only have patience, until I don't. I am only kind, until I am not. I have self-control and then I don't. This is the painful tension of the evil inclination and the good inclination. This is what Hashem said to Cain, "Sin crouches at your door, but you can overcome it." I can overcome my bad inclination, but, too often, it is my natural inclination to respond poorly. I find that I kind of like it. Not ultimately, but something in me likes it. I have not resisted my sin to the point of shedding blood. The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. And I think I am ok with that defense of my inability to resist the temptation to yell and use harsh words instead of gentle words. 

I know what is right. But I do not do what is right. This is sin. Wretched sinner that I am. What can save me except the mercy of God and His favor that He bestowed on Yeshua HaMoshiach! For I am a woman of unclean lips. 

Would Yeshua even call me His own? I have utmost faith in His identity as the Messiah and as the son of God. I know He is King and He will be King. I believe fully that He has God's favor because of His righteousness and His suffering. I believe His suffering and death is the mechanism for God's forgiveness to the world. But does my belief in Him do any good for me if I keep on sinning? If I keep choosing a lack of self-control with my words? If I keep resorting to yelling and harsh words over His way of a gentle answer turns away wrath? Is my faith producing in me the fruit of repentance? A humility that always reminds me of my position as His servant and that my life is not my own for I have been bought with a price and therefore I am to bring glory to God through my actions and my words. 

I like being in charge. I like being in control. I don't want to give up the power of my tongue. Well, maybe I do. Maybe I just don't know how to? Maybe I don't know the other way of doing things? How can I be gentle and get results from my kids? 

At the very least, I should strive daily to keep my tongue from evil and guard my lips from no self-control speech. I should remind myself every morning that my gentle speech and the words out of my mouth are producing life, if I so choose to speak that way. Choose life. Or death. The power of both lies in the tongue. 

How I need a transforming work of the Spirit and of my inner being through retraining my bad habit of yelling. Yes, indeed, may this be the end of my yelling. No more yelling. Choose life. Choose gentle. Choose good. It is my choice. I must choose today and tomorrow and the next day--I must choose life.

Bread of Tomorrow

I love bread. With my hands in dough, kneading it to the right consistency and then letting it rise to form it into whatever shape it may become, a simple satisfaction warms my soul. Yes, my soul. But I haven't been making bread as often as usual over the last 5 months. It all slowed down when I lost my sourdough starter to my inattention. Maybe we traveled too much or maybe I lost some routine or maybe I was just weary with all the things. To be honest, I can't remember. But I do remember thinking, "I should feed my starter. I should make bread." But I never did. And then the starter grew mold and turned rancid. I poured it out. And now, 5 months later, I still haven't restarted the process. 

There is one bread that I haven't stopped making though. It is our weekly loaves of challah for Shabbat (Sabbath). It's the bread of tomorrow. Literally, I make it on Friday (or Thursday night) and it is for the beginning of Shabbat at sundown on Friday. It's the only bread I make intentionally for the next day. My sourdough, I make the morning I need it. It's our daily bread. But the challah is something more. Challah takes more hands on time than sourdough. The kneading and the shaping requires more of my attention. The sourdough, our daily bread, takes longer to make though.

There are probably so many truths that can be pulled out of these observations. But today I bring it back to my initial thoughts when beginning to write--the request for the bread of tomorrow, as shown in the prayer Yeshua (Jesus) taught His disciples. While Yeshua is concerned about people getting enough to eat, in this prayer it extends beyond the meaning of asking for God's daily provision of food. In connection with the previous 3 statements about the sanctity of God's Name (Hallowed by Your Name), God's Kingdom coming to earth (Your Kingdom come), and God's will being done on earth (Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven), the prayer about bread remains centered on this coming reality of the Kingdom of God, the Messianic Era, the time when Yeshua returns and restores the Kingdom to Israel and God's presence returns to the earth. The bread of tomorrow alludes to the Banquet in the Messianic Era (Isaiah 25:6-9), the abundance that is coming in the world. 

As disciples of Yeshua, we long for the day when God fulfills His promises to Israel, and thus to all people who fear and love Him, to bring about abundance for all, a feast of celebration where Yeshua is crowned King and all the wrongs in this era will be righted. Asking for the bread of tomorrow is asking God to give us a little taste now of what is coming in the future. We long to be satisfied. "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied." (Matthew 5:6) The righteousness (right living and goodness) of the Messianic Era, the Kingdom of God, will bring about the satisfaction for which our souls truly long. Exponentially more than the simple satisfaction I have in making bread, the righteousness of the Kingdom will fully satisfy my soul. May we not just wait for that time, but may we hasten it with our prayers and through our actions (love and good deeds (mitzvot)); may we have a taste of that abundance and righteousness by living in the ways of our Master, as we seek the Kingdom of God and His righteousness above all things.